The people pleaser archetype

Firstly, it’s not all bad having the people pleaser archetype!

It can indicate that you are someone who prefers peaceful and harmonious environments and interactions with others.

We need these aspects in a group (business or family)!

It can mean that you enjoy praise, being of service and giving to others.

These are perfectly normal, healthy, receptive, generous and positive human traits.

Those with the people pleaser archetype can be experts at providing a high-quality service.

They might be naturally good at taking care of, listening to, and understanding people.

They are often hard working and make wonderful employees and team members.

So then, where does it go haywire…?!

Like anything in our lives, a balance of sorts is required, otherwise we harbour an imbalance. If there is no imbalance, there is no problem!

Wherever there is an overcompensation for something or a dominant force that is subconsciously driven, there is frequently an opposite effect taking place (this is how the shadow operates).

This connects to the universal law of balance and the law of cause and effect.

The archetypes we operate with also dictate who and what we draw towards us or attract, whether that be clients, romantic partners, friends, managers, or opportunities.

This connects to the universal law of vibration and attraction or reflection / mirroring.

When the people pleaser archetype is operating in its shadow form or from a place of fear, it causes the individual major problems!

In this form, it can be supressing other parts of the individual that are yet to be expressed or owned.

It can dominate to the point that some people live in an almost permanent state of anxiety, become depressed or even physically ill (more on this later).

This is because it undermines self-esteem, expression, truth, authenticity, autonomy and self-respect.

Some people will base all their decision making on pleasing others.

It may look ‘nice’, and some may convince themselves that it makes them feel good or it’s the right thing to do.

But it can cause major blockages with low grade feelings of festering resentment, bitterness and victimhood.

Putting yourself last all the time (which is different to fair compromise) can stem from and / or lead to low self-worth.

Being a chronic people pleaser usually means a struggle with establishing healthy boundaries with others.

It is our archetypes that control our boundaries!

With this archetype, boundaries can be trampled because of an inability to assert oneself in a healthy and rational manner.

This can be due to a fear of confrontation and / or the avoidance of direct and open communication.

It can also create problematic relationships, because ironically pleasing other people all the time doesn’t create happy fulfilling relationships in business or at home.

In the surface, it may appear to benefit one person, but ultimately it doesn’t work. The best and healthiest relationships are win-win.

If our behaviour comes from fear or an inauthentic place, then you are not really being honest about what you really need or want or are happy with. It is a false representation.

It is also for some, a subconscious method of controlling other people and the environment. It can become a form of manipulation!  

We train people how to treat us with our behaviour. Our behaviour stems from our deep beliefs about ourselves and other people.

Some have learned to be a people pleaser from a very young age and so it is a deeply ingrained trait and linked to survival programming.

Again, it’s not all wrong to want to please people, more of that in the world would be wonderful!

However, the scales of balance are tipped over to an unhealthy level when the need to please or to keep others happy directly connects to feeling safe or loved and goes against your truth.

It is imbalanced when the need to please it is greater than the ability to love or respect yourself.

Then you are giving your personal power away and you are at the mercy of the integrity (or lack of!) the other person.

This can also become transactional because often, an unspoken contract is created in relationships.

One example of many possible scenarios is:

“I will compromise myself, my desires and opinions in favour of yours, so long as you provide me with praise, don’t get angry and protect me (love me, don’t hurt me).”

This is different to wanting to make people happy and including yourself in the process.

People with this archetype often feel drained, tired, exhausted or depressed without knowing why.

It is draining suppressing your own opinions, views, voice, needs and desires and aspects of yourself that you might not have discovered yet.

It is exhausting denying yourself (because you have an inner battle occurring) of your full range of communication skills, dreams and potential.

It is also draining to live in fear (prolonged stress, anxiety).

It can be a mask that has been work for so long that it can feel very difficult to change and scary, that is very normal but it’s a better kind of fear to work with.

Which would you rather have?

Being afraid to change and so remaining that way for life…or being afraid while you change (more short-term)….?!

it’s very hard to thrive and lead a fulfilling life in fear of upsetting other people or being rejected.

We all need love and validation, that’s perfectly normal but not at the cost of self-love, health, integrity, of being who we really are or growing and developing.

We need to love ourselves enough and recognise our equality to others.

Constantly needing to please others at the cost of your true needs and desires is not only draining but it’s dishonest.

Sorry to share these truth bombs if you don’t already know them. I have taken a long and hard look at myself over the past few years of my transformational journey and I saw the truth and changed.

That is why it doesn’t feel good to people please even when we convince ourselves it does or that rather it relieves the fear temporarily.

Our body / our energy loves the truth. When we work against it, there are problems (physical, emotional, mental or spiritual).

It doesn’t feel good to the soul (the ego is a different story!) to position ourselves as lower (or higher for that matter) than others.

Over time, any patterns that cause repetitive strain on the nervous system in the form of stress, anxiety, worry or depression can lead to an energy imbalance in the body.

Fatigue related Illnesses as well as auto immune disease, fibromyalgia and various cancers to name a few are linked to people pleasing. Of course there are other reasons for these too, nothing is exclusive.

My intention is not to frighten anyone, but I guess it is a good incentive to start to change…as well as meeting destiny!

The reality is that our body and mind are always in constant conversation.

Guilt and shame are two common emotions connected to people pleasing.

It’s an insecure position. The great new is that we can is transform the emotional body and we can re-wire the mind!

Recognising any pattern of behaviour as something that isn’t helpful for us is a positive start.

Change is possible.

Recognition and acceptance are powerful first steps. Congratulate yourself if you are there!

When I refer to acceptance, what I mean is accepting that it has been causing you a problem up until this point, not accepting that there is nothing that you can do about it, because that’s not true.

It is not our fault that we have archetypes that can cause issues, we also have archetypes that are gifts, and we can transform the people pleaser into the gift that it is meant to be.

It can be a challenging archetype to have, particularly if you are in a management or leadership position or if you are starting a business.

Talking helps but talking with someone who won’t judge, is neutral and understands how to change things is healing and transformative.

If you struggle with the disease to please and you would like to make changes that will serve every area of your life positively, give me a call or an email.

Good Vibes, Amanda